Step-by-Step Forgiveness Instructions
Been hurt? Offended? Ignored? Abused?
We all have, to at least some extent, haven't we? And anyone who has
experienced hurt at the hands of another also knows that forgiving that
person is often a very difficult thing.
Forgiveness is a good thing. A necessary thing. A healing thing. But it is not an easy thing.
I learned a few years ago that there are three kinds of forgiveness. The first is judicial. This type of forgiveness can only be given by God. It is the pardoning of sin, a gift of grace.
The second is psychological. It is the victim's job. It is letting go of the desire for personal revenge and negative feelings toward the offender while extending grace to him or her.
The third is reconciliatory forgiveness. It is the offender's job. It is at this point that the relationship is restored or least restoration is sought/offered. In order for this to happen, the offender must be repentant.
I can not do anything about judicial forgiveness, save accepting that God forgives and offers mercy. And as the offended, I am not responsible for reconciliatory forgiveness. I do have one responsibility, however, and that is to work on the second one, psychological forgiveness. Taking steps toward forgiving my offender keeps bitterness from settling in. I must grieve over the offense (anger and resentment are natural reactions to deliberate wrongdoing) and then release the offense and forgive my offender.
Sounds simple enough, but we know it is not. Just saying - or thinking - "I forgive them" does not make it happen. No matter how much we would like to wave a magic wand of absolution and erase the pain and hurt, we quickly learn that forgiveness is a process that takes time and effort.
Walk with me through six steps to forgiveness that I learned about a few years ago. I have personally used this process to find forgiveness and healing as well as witnessed others journeying through it successfully.
Step One: Feel the Pain
That person hurt you. It is okay to grieve - nay, it is necessary! You are experiencing a variety of emotions, including anger, shock, and frustration, to name a few. Allow yourself the time and place to feel these emotions.
We all have an emotional "tank" so to speak. Imagine a barrel, and inside the barrel are your emotions. When we stuff emotion after emotion after emotion into that barrel, choosing not to deal with them, and trying to forget about them, they do not magically disappear. That barrel begins to fill. Higher and higher, the level keeps going up and up and up! And eventually, if we do not take the time to empty that barrel - really feel and allow ourselves time to process our emotions - that thing is going to spring a leak.
Have you ever sprung an emotional leak? Had a moment where one off-handed comment meant in fun set you into a tirade of anger or tears? One of those moments where when the dust of your harsh words or flying fists settled, you wondered, "Where in the world did that come from?"
One might call this "stuffing", and as one who has stuffed and been at the receiving end of someone else's "leak", I can tell you that it is not a pretty sight. We have to allow ourselves the opportunity to feel all of the emotions that are involved in the offense.
One practical way to do this is journaling. Write it down. Write a letter to the person who hurt you, then throw it away. Or find a trusted friend or family member who is willing to be a sounding board, someone who can listen without offering commentary. Someone whose shoulder you can cry on if needed and who will not share your delicate situation with others.
It is paramount that you FEEL the pain, as difficult as that is. You can not heal what you can not feel.
Step Two: Visualize Separating the Person from the Behavior
Making a concerted effort to separate the person from their behavior in your mind and heart can be excruciatingly difficult. By "letting them go", you are giving up your control, your "right" to go over and over again in your mind what they did to you.
Often times what the offender has done is an intrinsic part of how we are (especially in abusive situations). This step may take considerable time and effort. It is, however, necessary.
Put your hands in a palm-up position, side by side in front of you, as if you are offering an item to someone. Look at one hand and say, "This is [insert offender's name here]" and then look at the other and say, "This is [insert what they did to you here]". Now pull your hands apart in a sweeping motion while saying "I am separating you, [offender's name] from what you did to me." Do this several times.
You may be thinking, "You really want me to do some hand motions? Isn't that kind of silly?" Cast those thoughts aside and enter into this activity with an open mind. In our ceremony-driven society (think weddings, funerals, graduations, etc.), the visualization and vocalization of separating the offender from the behavior is actually very cathartic.
Step Three: Rage at the Behavior
The third step is to rage at the behavior. What they did was wrong. It hurt - a lot! Acknowledge that. Feel from deep within the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the frustration. Remember, you can not heal what you can not feel.
I have seen this step handled in a group counseling session with a counselor standing in as the offender. That is a great way to work through this step, however, that type of opportunity may not be available to you - and it is too important to work through this process to wait for an "ideal" situation. Instead, try journaling your thoughts and feelings for this step in the process. Write it all down. Everything. Every emotion, every thought. Hold nothing back. Give yourself plenty of time in a safe place to complete this.
Step Four: Release the Offender and the Pain
Next you have to release the offender and the pain. It is giving up your right to revenge. Totally releasing them and your hurt to God. Giving up your control.
Take out what you wrote in step three and find a secluded place outdoors. Place it inside a fire-proof container and set it on fire - burn it! Allow the offender and the pain they caused you to become nothing more than ashes. While you watch it burn, say aloud, "I am releasing you, [name of offender], and what you did to me, to God. It is all His now. God, it is all yours."
When all that remains is ashes, bury them. You are, in essence, having a funeral for this event - those actions - and the hold they have had over your life.
It is time to let go. And trust me - I speak from experience - it is worth it.
Step Five: Express Love to the Offender
The last steps are the hard ones. Where the rubber meets the road. Putting action into what was probably handled privately, personally. The reason for great apprehension - and deservedly so - especially in abusive situations.
I am not sure that "express love" is even the best way to describe this step. In essence, now it is time to take a step forward and do something in the way of contact with the offender (provided you can do this safely). This does not mean letting them back into your life with all of the liberties they once had. Perhaps what they did to you changed your relationship with them drastically. This is not license to "reboot" that relationship and pick up right where you left off.
Once when I came to this step in this process, my step of expressing love was simply smiling and saying hello when I saw the offender a few months later at a meeting we both attended. Was it difficult? You bet! But I can not even begin to describe the sense of peace that came over me - and a sense of healthy pride - that I had taken one small step toward total healing from the hurt they had caused.
Romans 12:19-21 says, "Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, "I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord. Instead, do what the Scriptures say: "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you." Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good."
It will be a baby step, and that is all that it has to be. But actually putting your words into action has a way of bringing a peace and contentment that is indescribable.
Step Six: Express Bold Love to the Offender
This step might be more succinctly stated as continue making an effort to express love to your offender. You took that first step of saying hi when you saw them in the grocery store. A few weeks later you hear that they lost their job - perhaps you could send them a little note saying you are praying for them.
Baby steps. One at a time.
Why?
Because God has told me to "do good" to those who have hurt me.
Read Jesus' words in Luke 6:27-28:
But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.
Wow.
This goes against everything we naturally think and feel when we have been wounded. And yet Jesus gives us this radical instruction. And He put His words into action not too long after that. Bloody and battered, hanging from a cross, just moments before He took His last breath, He looked toward heaven and said:
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
A Few Final Thoughts:
When you have been hurt, boundaries are automatically set, and rightly so, and these boundaries correlate directly with the nature of the offense. I am not always sure where the line is when it comes to those final two steps. When exactly does one step out - and how far - and when should one draw back to protect oneself?
This is where - and why - you will need to spend a lot of time praying about what you can safely do in the way of contact with your offender. Any actions you might take will also depend on if the offender has even acknowledged their offense or sought reconciliation with you.
And in the case of physical, mental, and/or sexual abuse, you must tread carefully. Do not make any steps toward contact with your offender without first seeking the advice and direction of a counselor and/or your pastor.
Forgiveness is a roller coaster ride. Just about the time I think I have "arrived" - that I have forgiven - a stab of pain, a memory of the wound, surfaces.
Perhaps it is just God reminding me that He is in control, and I am not. That I can not live my life in peace and joy without releasing my emotions, my pain, my wounds to Him. When I try to hold on and handle things on my own, it just hurts me and those closest to me.
When I look back over some of the hurts in my life, the ones that I have worked through with this process, I have realized that I can now thank Him for the pain. I now see how much it has helped me, how much I have learned. It is still scary when I sense Him asking me to take what He has taught me and apply it practically. Because that means being vulnerable.
I hate being vulnerable. But here is the thing. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I am weak when it comes to forgiveness - we all are. And once you embark on this journey of finding forgiveness, it will take time. You may have to repeat a few steps, and more than once. And that is okay.
It is time to take that first step toward letting go and letting God.
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
He will be with you. Every step of the way.
Forgiveness is a good thing. A necessary thing. A healing thing. But it is not an easy thing.
I learned a few years ago that there are three kinds of forgiveness. The first is judicial. This type of forgiveness can only be given by God. It is the pardoning of sin, a gift of grace.
The second is psychological. It is the victim's job. It is letting go of the desire for personal revenge and negative feelings toward the offender while extending grace to him or her.
The third is reconciliatory forgiveness. It is the offender's job. It is at this point that the relationship is restored or least restoration is sought/offered. In order for this to happen, the offender must be repentant.
I can not do anything about judicial forgiveness, save accepting that God forgives and offers mercy. And as the offended, I am not responsible for reconciliatory forgiveness. I do have one responsibility, however, and that is to work on the second one, psychological forgiveness. Taking steps toward forgiving my offender keeps bitterness from settling in. I must grieve over the offense (anger and resentment are natural reactions to deliberate wrongdoing) and then release the offense and forgive my offender.
Sounds simple enough, but we know it is not. Just saying - or thinking - "I forgive them" does not make it happen. No matter how much we would like to wave a magic wand of absolution and erase the pain and hurt, we quickly learn that forgiveness is a process that takes time and effort.
Walk with me through six steps to forgiveness that I learned about a few years ago. I have personally used this process to find forgiveness and healing as well as witnessed others journeying through it successfully.
Step One: Feel the Pain
That person hurt you. It is okay to grieve - nay, it is necessary! You are experiencing a variety of emotions, including anger, shock, and frustration, to name a few. Allow yourself the time and place to feel these emotions.
We all have an emotional "tank" so to speak. Imagine a barrel, and inside the barrel are your emotions. When we stuff emotion after emotion after emotion into that barrel, choosing not to deal with them, and trying to forget about them, they do not magically disappear. That barrel begins to fill. Higher and higher, the level keeps going up and up and up! And eventually, if we do not take the time to empty that barrel - really feel and allow ourselves time to process our emotions - that thing is going to spring a leak.
Have you ever sprung an emotional leak? Had a moment where one off-handed comment meant in fun set you into a tirade of anger or tears? One of those moments where when the dust of your harsh words or flying fists settled, you wondered, "Where in the world did that come from?"
One might call this "stuffing", and as one who has stuffed and been at the receiving end of someone else's "leak", I can tell you that it is not a pretty sight. We have to allow ourselves the opportunity to feel all of the emotions that are involved in the offense.
One practical way to do this is journaling. Write it down. Write a letter to the person who hurt you, then throw it away. Or find a trusted friend or family member who is willing to be a sounding board, someone who can listen without offering commentary. Someone whose shoulder you can cry on if needed and who will not share your delicate situation with others.
It is paramount that you FEEL the pain, as difficult as that is. You can not heal what you can not feel.
Step Two: Visualize Separating the Person from the Behavior
Making a concerted effort to separate the person from their behavior in your mind and heart can be excruciatingly difficult. By "letting them go", you are giving up your control, your "right" to go over and over again in your mind what they did to you.
Often times what the offender has done is an intrinsic part of how we are (especially in abusive situations). This step may take considerable time and effort. It is, however, necessary.
Put your hands in a palm-up position, side by side in front of you, as if you are offering an item to someone. Look at one hand and say, "This is [insert offender's name here]" and then look at the other and say, "This is [insert what they did to you here]". Now pull your hands apart in a sweeping motion while saying "I am separating you, [offender's name] from what you did to me." Do this several times.
You may be thinking, "You really want me to do some hand motions? Isn't that kind of silly?" Cast those thoughts aside and enter into this activity with an open mind. In our ceremony-driven society (think weddings, funerals, graduations, etc.), the visualization and vocalization of separating the offender from the behavior is actually very cathartic.
Step Three: Rage at the Behavior
The third step is to rage at the behavior. What they did was wrong. It hurt - a lot! Acknowledge that. Feel from deep within the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the frustration. Remember, you can not heal what you can not feel.
I have seen this step handled in a group counseling session with a counselor standing in as the offender. That is a great way to work through this step, however, that type of opportunity may not be available to you - and it is too important to work through this process to wait for an "ideal" situation. Instead, try journaling your thoughts and feelings for this step in the process. Write it all down. Everything. Every emotion, every thought. Hold nothing back. Give yourself plenty of time in a safe place to complete this.
Step Four: Release the Offender and the Pain
Next you have to release the offender and the pain. It is giving up your right to revenge. Totally releasing them and your hurt to God. Giving up your control.
Take out what you wrote in step three and find a secluded place outdoors. Place it inside a fire-proof container and set it on fire - burn it! Allow the offender and the pain they caused you to become nothing more than ashes. While you watch it burn, say aloud, "I am releasing you, [name of offender], and what you did to me, to God. It is all His now. God, it is all yours."
When all that remains is ashes, bury them. You are, in essence, having a funeral for this event - those actions - and the hold they have had over your life.
It is time to let go. And trust me - I speak from experience - it is worth it.
Step Five: Express Love to the Offender
The last steps are the hard ones. Where the rubber meets the road. Putting action into what was probably handled privately, personally. The reason for great apprehension - and deservedly so - especially in abusive situations.
I am not sure that "express love" is even the best way to describe this step. In essence, now it is time to take a step forward and do something in the way of contact with the offender (provided you can do this safely). This does not mean letting them back into your life with all of the liberties they once had. Perhaps what they did to you changed your relationship with them drastically. This is not license to "reboot" that relationship and pick up right where you left off.
Once when I came to this step in this process, my step of expressing love was simply smiling and saying hello when I saw the offender a few months later at a meeting we both attended. Was it difficult? You bet! But I can not even begin to describe the sense of peace that came over me - and a sense of healthy pride - that I had taken one small step toward total healing from the hurt they had caused.
Romans 12:19-21 says, "Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, "I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord. Instead, do what the Scriptures say: "If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you." Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good."
It will be a baby step, and that is all that it has to be. But actually putting your words into action has a way of bringing a peace and contentment that is indescribable.
Step Six: Express Bold Love to the Offender
This step might be more succinctly stated as continue making an effort to express love to your offender. You took that first step of saying hi when you saw them in the grocery store. A few weeks later you hear that they lost their job - perhaps you could send them a little note saying you are praying for them.
Baby steps. One at a time.
Why?
Because God has told me to "do good" to those who have hurt me.
Read Jesus' words in Luke 6:27-28:
But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.
Wow.
This goes against everything we naturally think and feel when we have been wounded. And yet Jesus gives us this radical instruction. And He put His words into action not too long after that. Bloody and battered, hanging from a cross, just moments before He took His last breath, He looked toward heaven and said:
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
A Few Final Thoughts:
When you have been hurt, boundaries are automatically set, and rightly so, and these boundaries correlate directly with the nature of the offense. I am not always sure where the line is when it comes to those final two steps. When exactly does one step out - and how far - and when should one draw back to protect oneself?
This is where - and why - you will need to spend a lot of time praying about what you can safely do in the way of contact with your offender. Any actions you might take will also depend on if the offender has even acknowledged their offense or sought reconciliation with you.
And in the case of physical, mental, and/or sexual abuse, you must tread carefully. Do not make any steps toward contact with your offender without first seeking the advice and direction of a counselor and/or your pastor.
Forgiveness is a roller coaster ride. Just about the time I think I have "arrived" - that I have forgiven - a stab of pain, a memory of the wound, surfaces.
Perhaps it is just God reminding me that He is in control, and I am not. That I can not live my life in peace and joy without releasing my emotions, my pain, my wounds to Him. When I try to hold on and handle things on my own, it just hurts me and those closest to me.
When I look back over some of the hurts in my life, the ones that I have worked through with this process, I have realized that I can now thank Him for the pain. I now see how much it has helped me, how much I have learned. It is still scary when I sense Him asking me to take what He has taught me and apply it practically. Because that means being vulnerable.
I hate being vulnerable. But here is the thing. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I am weak when it comes to forgiveness - we all are. And once you embark on this journey of finding forgiveness, it will take time. You may have to repeat a few steps, and more than once. And that is okay.
It is time to take that first step toward letting go and letting God.
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
He will be with you. Every step of the way.
Published by Nicole Lamarre
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